I Love The New iPhone 5!

Yesterday I bought the Apple iPhone 5, and I must say, it’s amazing!!!

Just kidding. I still use an LG Dare.

But I really did play around with the latest iPhone recently and my life has taken a drastic turn for the worse. “Wait,” I thought to myself. “I can now watch the latest episode of the Colbert Report anywhere I go? Can life get any better?!?”

Yes, it can. If Steve Jobs’ goal was to make the world faster and easier through technology, then he failed miserably. Because when a guy like me finally decides to buy a portable Apple device, the decision itself could never be more complicated. Should I buy an iPhone, iPad, or iPod? Should I buy the newest iPhone, or settle for an older version? If I got an iPod, how many gigs of storage should I choose? I like to a type on a keyboard, so why should I even buy an iPad? Should I just kill myself right now??

“Apple iLiver: The only organ that keeps you alive long enough to buy more Apple products.”

A lot of this confusion is Apple’s own fault. They un-enthusiastically introduced a new line of iPads last week, which are a whopping 2 inches smaller than the original (this was hilariously mocked last night on Conan). Yet the announcement of this same-yet-smaller iPad still somehow created a media frenzy.

Hey, Apple. I have an idea. How about you skip the bullshit and actually unveil something worth getting excited about. You know, maybe something like one device that has the capabilities of the iPhone, iPad and iPod combined? I thought we were supposed to make life more convenient here. And while you’re at it, create some damn apps that are actually useful in real life (such as Fap App, the only app that warns you when your roommates are masturbating. Don’t ask how I thought of it).

To reiterate, I really would enjoy owning an iPhone 5. It’s just all the needless bullshit surrounding Apple I can’t stand. I mean, I can’t go onto a news site without seeing articles about the new iChair, or without hearing reviews from burnt out tech pundits who cover Apple’s every move more closely than the president’s (watch this tech writer analyze the new iPad like a zombie). Technology is cool, but too much of it is not.

The new iPhones are pretty cool, too. My more generous readers are urged to send me one in the mail.



Late Night Hosts Provide Hurricane Relief in the Form of Laughs

Anyone living in reality has heard of (or experienced) Hurricane Sandy’s path of destruction throughout the northeastern United States. But to the surprise of many, late night hosts and NYC residents David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon taped their Monday night episodes during the inclement weather. Despite staff shortages and the lack of a live studio audience, the two hosts peddled their one liners to the giggles of cast and crew.

In the face of an impending hurricane, Letterman and Fallon had their share of funny moments, with Fallon at one point playing to an audience of only one guy in a NY Mets hat. But the determination of these comedians to bring laughter to a struggling nation should be a reminder of comedy’s true meaning. Laughter is a momentary escape from reality, a breath of renewed life and a reminder that sometimes the best remedy to life’s problems is to step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Tig Notaro

This is not the first time comedians have braved tragedy under the old adage “the show must go on.” Letterman and his Late Show crew come to mind for their September 17, 2001 taping. As television reeled constant news coverage of the World Trade Center attacks, Letterman was one of the first entertainers to return to air. Similarly, NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani’s post 9/11 Saturday Night Live appearance reaffirmed to the country that it was OK to be funny again.

Similarly, stand-up comedy giant Richard Pryor revolutionized the craft by incorporating unpleasant, real life experiences into his routine. And earlier this year, comedian Tig Notaro transformed her recent tragedies, from a breast cancer diagnosis to the sudden death of her mother, into what is now being praised as a legendary stand-up routine.

Trey Parker was once quoted as saying “Either everything is OK to make fun of, or nothing is OK.” While this type of thinking, when done wrong, has gotten some comedians in trouble (see: Gilbert Gottfried, Daniel Tosh), Letterman and Fallon prove that sometimes a belly laugh is the best cure to a shitty day.


5 Horrible Things To Do During Hurricane Sandy

Figured I’d make a tasteless blog post while we still have power. Enjoy.

  1. Knock on your neighbor’s door and sarcastically ask if they need any help. Then laugh like a maniac as you turn around and disappear into the storm.
  2. After the power goes out, shine a flashlight on yourself as you do the helicopter with your penis.
  3. Eat all available rations and demand a ride to the hospital because of a severe tummy ache.
  4. Make shitty comparisons of your current situation to The Walking Dead.
  5. Complain that you can’t view any of your friends’ Halloween costumes on Instagram.

The Presidential Race Gets Tasty

They say you have to spend money to make money. Well, sometimes you have to be an asshole to make money.

                                                                      AP Image

Which is exactly what Pizza Put is being accused of after pulling what many reporters are calling a “PR disaster” – the pizza chain offered audience members of yesterday’s presidential debate a free life-time supply of pizza if they asked the White House hopefuls whether they preferred pepperoni or sausage on their pies. Pizza Hut promptly ended the stunt and issued an apology after a media blitz accused the chain of making a mockery of the American democratic process.

But Pizza Hut inevitably won this exchange by having their name emblazoned upon headlines across the country. After all, any publicity is good publicity.

And Pizza Hut is not the only company to cash in on the upcoming election. Cheetos commissioned artist Jason Baalman to create a giant, stupid bust of each candidate’s head made entirely out of Cheetos. And 7-Eleven is asking customers to help predict the election’s outcome by buying soda cups with either Obama or Romney’s logo.

So, as an average dude, what the hell am I supposed to think these days? I’m completely lost here. When I watch Obama speak, am I supposed to approach his proposed budget with a critical eye towards what’s best at reducing the skyrocketing deficit, or should I envision his hairline is made entirely of succulent, cheese tinged Cheetos? Should I give more of a shit about Romney’s lack of a foreign policy or his personal preference for Pizza Hut toppings? Does our country have it’s priorities straightened out?

Answer: Probably not.

                                                           Jack Dempsey/AP

Why not make the presidential debates a hot dog eating contest sponsored by Nathan’s Famous, and just have the candidate who consumes the most franks be the winner? Or let’s have Pepsi sponsor one candidate and Coke the other, and have Budweiser host the debates. You know what, let’s just let food companies advertise everywhere they want. With as much as America loves to eat, maybe some of these ad dollars could help erase the federal deficit.


The New (And Better) Justin Bieber

If Youtube made Justin Bieber famous, then why not these kids??

Rock and roll looks increasingly dead in 2012, just look at the Billboard charts. But perhaps these kids will bring it back some day. So keep on rockin!


Why Wealthy, Politically Active CEO’s Piss Me Off (A lot)

I’ve done some serious thinking lately and concluded that my life sucks. Not in a “I was born with elephantitis on my face” type of way, or even in a “half my family died in a tsunami and the other half became mutant freaks in a nuclear meltdown” kind of way, either. No, my life sucks in a uniquely American way, a suckiness that, in reality, doesn’t suck that badly at all. But I’ve been following the presidential election, and it always seems to reaffirm how much my life sucks. Allow me to explain:

Today I read that wealthy industrialist brothers David and Charles Koch sent letters to each of their 45,000 employees urging them to vote for Mitt Romney, because if Obama is reelected, “many of our more than 50,000 employees and contractors may suffer the consequences.” And in a similar yet even more blunt letter to his employees, real estate tycoon David Siegel stated that four more years of Obama and his proposed taxes would leave him “no choice but to reduce the size of this company,” prompting him to retire to “the Carribbean sitting on the beach, under a palm tree.”

“…and then I’ll slither up the walls of my lair, to a nest where an army of reptilian CEO-men are incubating in their shells, waiting to be unleashed upon humanity!”

Now I’m not going to argue taxes because I don’t know shit about them. For all I know, these guys are probably right. I simply have a beef with how they went about making their point. Moaning to their employees and taking them hostage by sending passive-aggressive memos about how they should vote for the candidates their CEO’s conveniently donated millions of dollars to. Why should I feel bad for these guys because they might have to make tough economic decisions regarding taxes and other government policies?

Let’s use me as an example. Absorb the following information with every hole in your face: I made $11,100 last year. That’s it. I am, by every definition of the word, living in poverty. If you look at the numbers, my life sucks! It sucks fantastically! I pay $380 each month for rent. Do the math! I won’t because if I see the actual numbers, I might kill myself.

Or I may pitch my life as a reality show to TLC. That seems to work, too.

But in reality, my life isn’t all that bad. I have a decent apartment, I can afford food, I have nice clothing and access to internet porn – things are fine. Money is tight and taxes don’t help, but I don’t threaten to lay off all my employees as a result. If anything, I should have the right to complain when taxes ruin my future budgetary plans, not those guys.

Griping about taxes is understandable, but holding your employees accountable for it because of their political views is not. What a petty way of collecting a few thousand extra votes, by offering your employees a rather ominous ultimatum? Maybe these CEO’s should try to look at life the way their employees do. To me, the incessant bitching of the Koch brothers and Siegel makes the outright corruption of guys like Boss Tweed look noble.


Here Comes The Bleh

Here Comes The Boom, the school teacher turned MMA fighter flick starring Kevin James, hits theaters tomorrow. After reading reviews and starring blankly at the trailer for 2 and a half minutes, I realized the question here is not if America is ready for such a movie, but if America even needs such a movie?

The answer is no, definitely not.

Sure, Here Comes The Boom looks like a pleasant little film. Director Frank Coraci looks to take on the serious issue of under funding in American public schools in a light-hearted manner. But if there is one thing I know, it’s what makes a movie suck. And I don’t have to see this movie to know it’s packed full of it.

Boom’s title is vaguely similar to “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” which is one strike against it already.

The first thing I noticed about Boom’s trailer was how incredibly toned and muscular star Kevin James has become. The lead-actor-undergoing-a-huge-physical-transformation-for-their-role tactic is an old Hollywood trick used to garner buzz (Charlize Theron in Monster, Christian Bale in The Machinist, etc.). Perhaps the filmmakers wanted viewers to be amazed by James’ transformation from portly actor to ripped UFC fighter (when, in reality, James was an avid wrestler in college and has practiced karate since he was young).

Then there’s the problem with Boom’s plot. This is certainly not the first let’s hatch a zany plot to save and inspire our school movie ever made, and not even the first to come out in the past month. Won’t Back Down, a film portraying two mothers’ attempts at rescuing a failing inner city school, itself failed spectacularly at the box office. So spectacularly, in fact, that it had the worst opening weekend for any film playing on over 2,500 theaters. Basically, if Won’t Back Down’s creators tried to do in reality what their fictional characters did, children across America would be standing naked and hungry in the street, with horse flies nibbling at their faces.

Here’s a visual depiction of that previous sentence, minus the nudity and horse flies.

But perhaps Boom will fare better. It does, of course, feature Kevin James getting injured in all sorts of whacky situations. But none of this can save the movie because James’ career is already over. Judging by his latest string of films, the actor is officially suffering from Rob Schneider Syndrome, the endless Hollywood mire of being typecast as a whacky, prat-falling actor. Look at what South Park’s legendary “Derp de derp” video did to Schneider’s career. And South Park’s season 15 jab at Zookeeper likely served as the death knell for James’ career as well.

Kevin James, this is what you have to look forward to.

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