10
Feb
12

Facebook gone public

Here’s big news to all you Facebook faithful:  Mark Zuckerberg and company recently announced that the social media behemoth will become a publicly traded company.  This means the company will face new pressures to make money for its shareholders.  Facebook, which has faced controversy in the past for selling its users information to advertisers, will likely add more focus on advertising to raise revenues.  I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Facebook doesn’t care much about what you ate for breakfast or what little pieces of wisdom you have to say about relationships.  They are using your information to make money, so I’m gonna offer some tips on how to protect yourself from the giant, churning leach of a business that Facebook has become.

1.)    Adjust your privacy settings.  Facebook clearly outlines their privacy standards on their webpage and allows users to control what personal information is made available to advertisers.  This is probably the most reasonable way of protecting your information.

2.)    Don’t “like” anything.  It used to be that traditional media outlets would tell consumers what they should like.  Remember back when you would be watching TV or listening to the radio and a commercial for Kix cereal came on?  The network executives didn’t know if you like Kix and frankly didn’t care.  They needed money so here’s cereal some ads, enjoy!

"Bow to the bulbous, corny power of Kix."

 

But that all changed with the advent of Facebook, where ad agencies literally have access to everything you like, making their advertising dollars insanely more affective.   Simple solution: don’t “like” anything on Facebook.  This nihilistic worldview may be costly to your social life but it will keep Facebook from profiting on your personality.

3.)    Revitalize Myspace.  Whatever happened to Myspace?  Myspace was awesome – users had the ability to customize their profile with templates, embedded videos and music.  Plus they didn’t pander our information to ad agencies.  Let’s go back to these simpler times.

4.)    Aluminum Foil.  This is a time honored favorite of paranoid schizophrenics as a way of keeping the government from sending mind reading gamma rays into their skulls.  The procedure is easy: fold a length of foil into a cone shape, place on head, hide in closet then wait for inevitable apocalypse to take place.  This custom head wear will keep Facebook from capitalizing on your thoughts.

This guy may be humanity's last hope.

5.)    Delete your Facebook account.  Do this only if you are truly insane.

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