Archive for April, 2012

19
Apr
12

Great product ideas

I’m guessing there aren’t too many wealthy entrepreneurs with tons of start-up money reading my blog.  But if there is, my roomate and I came up with some new product ideas – just send me $1000 in cash and the ideas are yours.

Ok.  Who’s sick of seeing bumper stickers like this:

I know I am.  So how about a bumper sticker for the pessimist!  Introducing “I Don’t Heart Bumper Stickers.”

And how about a house warming gift that could liven up any back porch or patio.  The new “Wind Chime Kazoo!”

I know these ideas suck. Fuck you.

19
Apr
12

Ten things to do (instead of reading my blog)

Lists are a pretty big hit on the internet these days.  So big, in fact, that the NY Times recapped last year’s top ten best top ten lists.  So I figured I’d try my hand at one.  Here are ten wholesome activities that are likely more rewarding than reading this blog:

  1. Spend time with loved ones.
  2. Iron tomorrow’s wardrobe.
  3. Pay attention to your pets.
  4. File losses on your late tax return.
  5. Hide your unlicensed handgun in a safe place, far concealed from where the authorities will find it.
  6. Finally break the news to your long-time fiance that you’re gay.
  7. Inform your neighbors that those loud, banging noises coming from your apartment last night was merely you masturbating.
  8. Warn your children that you can punch really, really hard.
  9. Use the internet to track down someone whose facial features closely resemble yours.  Pay this person to regularly visit your ailing grandparents.
  10. Put a picture of you making love to the mailman’s wife in your mailbox.
  11. Pollute your own shitty blog with pointless lists.
17
Apr
12

Mitt Romney speaks to Diane Sawyer on wealth, campaign

Mitt Romney, fresh off his domination of Rick Santorum and ready to flex his chops as  the de facto Republican nominee, conducted an interview with ABC’s Diane Sawyer today.  When Sawyer asked Romney if he’s “too rich to relate” to the American public, he responded in his usual concise fashion:  “You know, we don’t divide America CLANK based on CLANK success or CLANK wealth or CLANK CLANKITY CLANK….”

Sorry, Mitt, I can’t hear you over all those gold bars rattling around in your pocket.  Just come out and say it, Mitt.  You’re filthy rich!

But seriously, when did being rich become such a stigma in this country?  Isn’t that a part of the American Dream, that everyone has the opportunity to become dirty, filthy, stinkin’ rich?

I mean, I’ve actually been reading news headlines that say “Goldman Sachs CEO gets $16.1” and “Wal-Mart CEO Receives $18.1.”  Why is that news?  Some rich guy’s getting richer – big deal, it’s his job.  And I don’t think the whole Occupy Wall Street movement is doing anything to solve our country’s income inequality.  Protesting a CEO for making tons of money is like protesting a mechanic for fixing a car. Plus, who cares what a bunch of smelly hipsters have to say anyway.

"Forget money. I'd rather just, you know, be authentic and ride bikes and stuff." "Yeah, let's get lattes then ride down to the protests then blah blah blahhhh...."

I can’t even remember through all my rage what the original point of this blog was going to be… so whatever.  Kudos to you, Mitt Romney.  Even if you don’t become president, you’re still rich as balls and have a nice, thick head of hair.

15
Apr
12

Bill Cosby on Trayvon Martin

Anyone remotely aware of the Trayvon Martin killing should read this comment made by Bill Cosby today.  It’s probably the most intelligent comment I’ve seen on the matter since the killing occurred on February 28.

“What is solved by saying he [Zimmerman] is a racist?” said Cosby.  “When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing… it will win arguments and straighten people out.”

Comedians like Cosby have the unique ability to see through life’s uncertainties and speak a word or two of the truth.  In an age where everyone is shouting louder and louder to get their voices heard, comedians are actually listening and calling those shouters on their bullshit.  So special thanks to George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, Louis C.K., Jon Stewart and may others for keeping the world sane.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it – George Carlin

12
Apr
12

Photoshop Images

Here’s a weird thing I made for my web design class.

Notice the tiny Willem Dafoe.  Here’s some of my inspiration:

Here’s another poster thingy I made.  I thought “The Flaming Brain” would be a good name for a blog or website or something.

12
Apr
12

Santorum out, Romney ponders running mate

Rick Santorum is ending his presidential bid because of the recent health troubles of his 3-year-old daughter, Bella.  This fact is making it really hard for me to make fun of Santorum at this time, so on to Mitt Romney.

Congratulations Mitt, you millionaire, Harvard grad and former governor with a “severely conservative” streak.  With Santorum out, every pundit and political analyst in American has put the Republican nomination in your front pocket.  Now it’s time to pick a running mate and take on Obama.

Which really leaves me with little to say.  Gone are the chaotic primary results and daily campaign gaffes that we saw earlier in the year.  Now, as one blogger puts it, “we’re doomed to spend the next four and a half months speculating about Romney’s vice-presidential choice.”  Bummer.

Watching Romney make his VP choice will say a lot about the campaign he wishes to go into November with.  Take, for instance, John McCain’s pick of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin.  McCain tried not to come off as such an ancient living organism by picking the young and vibrant Palin as his vice president.  Little did he and the rest of the nation know that most people living in the mountains of Alaska are painfully out of touch with American politics (and reality).

Note: This image has not been Photoshopped.

And then there was George McGovern, a guy with a decent shot at defeating Nixon in 1972 until it was leaked that his chosen running mate, Thomas Eagleton, had received electroshock therapy in the past to fight depression.  The news of McGovern’s whack-job side kick ran his presidential campaign into the ground.

"Boy, I could really use some kilowatts right about now."

I don’t particularly care if Romney’s campaign goes up in smoke or not, but his recent success is making this whole joke thing difficult for me.  So, please Mitt, make this race entertaining again and pick some nutty maniac as your running mate.

On second thought, it's never too soon for a good Santorum joke.

03
Apr
12

Blog assignment #4

For the first part of the assignment, here is an image I created with Photoshop:

I took a picture of an Arnold Schwartzenegger action figure from Google.  I tried the art history brush just to see what it would do.  Then boom, this was the outcome.  This image took literally 5 minutes to make but I think the end result looks pretty cool.  Here’s the same image again with some tweaks:

Here’s another photo I messed with:

For the second part of this assignment, here are some of my favorite artists.  Anyone who skateboards may be familiar with Neckface.  He has done artwork for Baker Skateboards and also a bunch of graffiti around the U.S.

Here’s art from Basquiat, an artist that got his start doing graffiti in Brooklyn.  He died in the 80’s from a heroin overdose.

And let’s not forget Ralph Steadman:

There’s a scene from an old South Park episode where Cartman is asked to describe what he sees when his eyes are closed.  He is blindfolded, and the next scene becomes a fast montage of strange and disturbing images – rioting, child clowns, people writhing around on fire, open-heart surgery.  The blindfold is removed and Cartman is asked if he saw anything unusual, to which he replied “No, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.”

I like art that butchers reality, that completely skewers and rearranges all the beautiful things we see when our eyes are open.  I think good art should not be static: it should jar you, rip you out of your comfort zone and make you see life differently.

Meh.




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