21
Jul
12

The Dark Knight Rises: A mediocre review

Like many people, I saw “The Dark Knight” and thought it (and by “it” I mean Heath Ledger) was awesome.  So I skipped out on some sleep Thursday night in favor of experiencing the greatest cinematic event in recent memory, the midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises.”

OK, I must make note of one fact before continuing with this review.  There is something about Mr. Nolan’s movies that automatically lose my attention.  The preachy monologues, constant scene shifts, overbearing score, insane attention to plot details…  Watching movies like the Batman series, The Prestige and Inception are so cluttered and overstimulating to me that paying attention for the entire film is a downright task.

For those too lazy to go see the film: picture people looking worried for 164 minutes

Films like this usually trigger my ADHD, and the Dark Knight Rises was no exception.  My mind began to wonder at about the time Bruce Wayne decides to come out of retirement, which undoubtedly costed me some vital plots points.  But fuck it: this is the mediocre review, and the shit that goes on in my brain is far more interesting than discussing Alfred’s weird man-crush on a dude that dresses up as a bat for shits and giggles.

38 minutes and 43 seconds in:

I began to think about names for my future son, and concluded that Vincent would make a pretty badass kid.  Vincent is a masculine name; no 8 year old punk will mess with my boy Vincent in the school yard.  But what about Victor?  Vic has a nice ring to it and still sounds badass.  People would call Vincent Vinny, and I don’t like that – too stereotypical pizza slinger.  Or would they mostly call him Vince if he specified it upon meeting new acquaintances?  Should I avoid all this muddle and name him Vic instead?  Hmmm… How about Vincenzo?  This dilemma continues in my brain for nearly 5 minutes.

53 minutes and 19 seconds in:

Someone two rows away pulls out their phone and its bright screen catches my attention.  This careless patron reminded me of a blog I read about a journalist who used his iPad screen to illuminate the face of an inconsiderate texter during a movie.  What balls that guy had.  Would I have done something that clever?  Probably not.  I would have most likely shifted around and grumbled under my breath…  But who the hell brings an iPad to a movie theater?  Who the hell can afford an iPad?  Or even needs one?  You know what, fuck that pretentious, sport jacking wearing journalist for even blogging about his passive-aggressive victories in the first place!  This mind-rant lasted a few minutes as Batman got his ass stomped by Bane.

1 Hour, 40 minutes and 53 seconds:

I begin to fall asleep.  My head slumps to the side and startles me awake.  I guiltily look around the theater hoping to find other sleeping patrons, but everyone is wide awake.  How can that be – it’s almost 2 in the morning, for balls’ sake!  And this dark theater is killing me.  What is it about a dark room combined with a glowing screen that puts me right to sleep?  Maybe that’s why moths fly towards light bulbs at night.  There’s something comforting about that warm, radiant glow…  Maybe I should pull a Strange Brew  and unleash a jar of moths into the theater so I can get a refund for this shitty movie…  Ahh Strange Brew… What ever happened to Rick Moranis….??

My last thought before drifting back to sleep

Approx. 2 hours and 25 minutes in:

A loud explosion wakes me up.  I had slept through a sizable chunk of the movie and Gotham City had fallen into complete chaos at this point.  So I sat expressionless as the epic climax to the batman series drew to a close, and a few people in the theater clapped while the others sauntered to the exit.  As I walk down the lighted staircase, I begin to ask myself what other product would I pay $12 for and get so little use of out of, choosing to sleep instead enjoying my purchase?  Is that why Hollywood is showing decline?  Are idiots like me choosing to save their money by watching movies at home, at their own leisure?  But more importantly, it was at this moment, walking out of the theater and thinking about my thinner wallet, that I realized I probably need medication to manage my attention deficit.

I give Nolan’s final installment of the Dark Knight series a B-

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