Archive for September, 2012

27
Sep
12

7 lists that will change your life forever

As I’ve stated before, the internet loves lists.  So here you go, dammit – thank me later.

6 Bad Dubstep Artist Names

  1. Gertrude Sangria and the Mixers
  2. The Lazy Susans
  3. Average Penis and the Hot Beef Injections
  4. The Robotic Jelly Applicators
  5. Electric Headache
  6. Ole Lumpy and the Digital Brain Freeze

5 Worst Situations to Sneeze In

  1. While whispering “I love you” into your spouse’s ear
  2. While holding a hot cup of coffee
  3. When delivering the keynote address at an anti-sneezing rally
  4. When passing a pack of Seattle’s notorious Whooping Cough gangsters in a dark ally
  5. While driving a truck load of albino, hemophiliac babies to the blood bank on Christmas

6 Songs from the 1960’s Celebrating Freedom

  1. “Chimes of Freedom” – Bob Dylan
  2. “I Feel Free” – Cream
  3. “I’m Free” – The Rolling Stones
  4. “Freedom” – Richie Havens
  5. “Freedom” – Jimi Hendrix
  6. “All Right Now” – Free (Technically the name of the band, but suck it)

5 Ways to Become Blind

  1. Stare into the sun like a dumbass
  2. Stare at satellite photos of the sun’s surface, then gauge your eyes out with a spoon
  3. Drink some tainted moonshine, pee in an African stream, then gauge your eyes out with a spoon
  4. Watch an hour of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
  5. Fuck with Uma Thurman

4 Excuses that always work

  1. “Sorry, I have a church function to attend.”
  2. “I have explosive diarrhea.”
  3. “Tiny spiders laid eggs beneath my eyelids and they could hatch at any moment.”
  4. “I stared into the sun like a dumbass.”

5 Things You Won’t Believe Aren’t Butter (Visual List)

1.

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5.

2 Former NBC Today Show Hosts with eating disorders

  1. Al Roker
  2. Katie Couric
26
Sep
12

What it means to be “weird”

I watched TV recently and came across something strange.  Within the span of a 5 minute commercial break, I saw or heard the word “weird” three times.

Oddly enough, none of it involved Honey Boo Boo.

You, faithful reader, may be wondering what kind of significance the word weird holds within this context, but I must first introduce the culprits.  On MTV I saw a promo for a marathon of “True Life” that promised viewers the weirdest, most shocking moments of the series (though I couldn’t find the actual promo, this casting call basically sums it up).  Next was a Bud Light commercial stating that a superstition is only weird if it doesn’t work.  And lastly was a commercial for Apple’s new line of EarPods, which boldly proclaims “Ears are weird.

Being bombarded by so many weird things in one little commercial break frightened me.  “What exactly does it mean to be ‘weird?'” I thought to myself.  “Am I ‘weird’ for not knowing what it is?!?”

Which is the exact reaction these advertisers wanted from me.  These commercials set out to segment their audience: those identifying with the advertisers are cool and “in-the-know,” while everyone else is weird.  This is classic social conformity.  Think about it: viewers of the Apple commercial are surely thinking “You’re right, ears are weird.  Good thing I bought this new Apple product to fix that problem!”

“And good thing I dropped $500 on a bastardized laptop!”

But I don’t own any Apple products, I’m not that into the NFL, and I’d rather castrate myself with a rusty butter knife than ogle at the freaks on MTV’s various programs.  So does that make me weird?

I’m also the pioneer of Extreme Lawn Care. Does that make me weird, or just gnarly?

I equate this theory to a run-in I had last week at a coffee shop in Pittsburgh.  The barista scoffed at me when I inquired about the taste of a particular coffee brew.  She acted as if I could never possibly be as knowledgeable or trendy as her because I had never heard of some shitty type of coffee that no one drinks anyway.  Nevermind the fact that I drink coffee everyday, my lame Nike Shox and stupid haircut and absence of coffee insight would forever prevent me from being on her level.  Which is basically how these commercials made me feel – not cool or included, just a weirdo.

The point I’m trying to make here is that people today are increasingly identifying themselves by the shit they buy.  It’s no longer acceptable to buy a coffee for its caffeine or own a cellphone that simply makes calls.  The consumer culture theory is more alive and well in 2012 than it has ever been – just look at all those Apple-cult assholes or coffee shop snobs.  Consumers make a statement with every purchase they make, and judging by these commercials, everyone is watching.

So what lesson did I take away from my 5 minute television experience?  Either buy the right things, or forever be weird.

… or learn to enjoy television without experiencing the episodes of delusional paranoia that blog writers like myself suffer from. That works too.




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