11
Oct
12

Here Comes The Bleh

Here Comes The Boom, the school teacher turned MMA fighter flick starring Kevin James, hits theaters tomorrow. After reading reviews and starring blankly at the trailer for 2 and a half minutes, I realized the question here is not if America is ready for such a movie, but if America even needs such a movie?

The answer is no, definitely not.

Sure, Here Comes The Boom looks like a pleasant little film. Director Frank Coraci looks to take on the serious issue of under funding in American public schools in a light-hearted manner. But if there is one thing I know, it’s what makes a movie suck. And I don’t have to see this movie to know it’s packed full of it.

Boom’s title is vaguely similar to “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” which is one strike against it already.

The first thing I noticed about Boom’s trailer was how incredibly toned and muscular star Kevin James has become. The lead-actor-undergoing-a-huge-physical-transformation-for-their-role tactic is an old Hollywood trick used to garner buzz (Charlize Theron in Monster, Christian Bale in The Machinist, etc.). Perhaps the filmmakers wanted viewers to be amazed by James’ transformation from portly actor to ripped UFC fighter (when, in reality, James was an avid wrestler in college and has practiced karate since he was young).

Then there’s the problem with Boom’s plot. This is certainly not the first let’s hatch a zany plot to save and inspire our school movie ever made, and not even the first to come out in the past month. Won’t Back Down, a film portraying two mothers’ attempts at rescuing a failing inner city school, itself failed spectacularly at the box office. So spectacularly, in fact, that it had the worst opening weekend for any film playing on over 2,500 theaters. Basically, if Won’t Back Down’s creators tried to do in reality what their fictional characters did, children across America would be standing naked and hungry in the street, with horse flies nibbling at their faces.

Here’s a visual depiction of that previous sentence, minus the nudity and horse flies.

But perhaps Boom will fare better. It does, of course, feature Kevin James getting injured in all sorts of whacky situations. But none of this can save the movie because James’ career is already over. Judging by his latest string of films, the actor is officially suffering from Rob Schneider Syndrome, the endless Hollywood mire of being typecast as a whacky, prat-falling actor. Look at what South Park’s legendary “Derp de derp” video did to Schneider’s career. And South Park’s season 15 jab at Zookeeper likely served as the death knell for James’ career as well.

Kevin James, this is what you have to look forward to.

Advertisements

0 Responses to “Here Comes The Bleh”



  1. Leave a Comment

Speak your mind, fool

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: