Archive for the 'Nonsense' Category

01
Nov
12

I Love The New iPhone 5!

Yesterday I bought the Apple iPhone 5, and I must say, it’s amazing!!!

Just kidding. I still use an LG Dare.

But I really did play around with the latest iPhone recently and my life has taken a drastic turn for the worse. “Wait,” I thought to myself. “I can now watch the latest episode of the Colbert Report anywhere I go? Can life get any better?!?”

Yes, it can. If Steve Jobs’ goal was to make the world faster and easier through technology, then he failed miserably. Because when a guy like me finally decides to buy a portable Apple device, the decision itself could never be more complicated. Should I buy an iPhone, iPad, or iPod? Should I buy the newest iPhone, or settle for an older version? If I got an iPod, how many gigs of storage should I choose? I like to a type on a keyboard, so why should I even buy an iPad? Should I just kill myself right now??

“Apple iLiver: The only organ that keeps you alive long enough to buy more Apple products.”

A lot of this confusion is Apple’s own fault. They un-enthusiastically introduced a new line of iPads last week, which are a whopping 2 inches smaller than the original (this was hilariously mocked last night on Conan). Yet the announcement of this same-yet-smaller iPad still somehow created a media frenzy.

Hey, Apple. I have an idea. How about you skip the bullshit and actually unveil something worth getting excited about. You know, maybe something like one device that has the capabilities of the iPhone, iPad and iPod combined? I thought we were supposed to make life more convenient here. And while you’re at it, create some damn apps that are actually useful in real life (such as Fap App, the only app that warns you when your roommates are masturbating. Don’t ask how I thought of it).

To reiterate, I really would enjoy owning an iPhone 5. It’s just all the needless bullshit surrounding Apple I can’t stand. I mean, I can’t go onto a news site without seeing articles about the new iChair, or without hearing reviews from burnt out tech pundits who cover Apple’s every move more closely than the president’s (watch this tech writer analyze the new iPad like a zombie). Technology is cool, but too much of it is not.

The new iPhones are pretty cool, too. My more generous readers are urged to send me one in the mail.

                                                       Forbes

31
Oct
12

Late Night Hosts Provide Hurricane Relief in the Form of Laughs

Anyone living in reality has heard of (or experienced) Hurricane Sandy’s path of destruction throughout the northeastern United States. But to the surprise of many, late night hosts and NYC residents David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon taped their Monday night episodes during the inclement weather. Despite staff shortages and the lack of a live studio audience, the two hosts peddled their one liners to the giggles of cast and crew.

In the face of an impending hurricane, Letterman and Fallon had their share of funny moments, with Fallon at one point playing to an audience of only one guy in a NY Mets hat. But the determination of these comedians to bring laughter to a struggling nation should be a reminder of comedy’s true meaning. Laughter is a momentary escape from reality, a breath of renewed life and a reminder that sometimes the best remedy to life’s problems is to step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Tig Notaro

This is not the first time comedians have braved tragedy under the old adage “the show must go on.” Letterman and his Late Show crew come to mind for their September 17, 2001 taping. As television reeled constant news coverage of the World Trade Center attacks, Letterman was one of the first entertainers to return to air. Similarly, NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani’s post 9/11 Saturday Night Live appearance reaffirmed to the country that it was OK to be funny again.

Similarly, stand-up comedy giant Richard Pryor revolutionized the craft by incorporating unpleasant, real life experiences into his routine. And earlier this year, comedian Tig Notaro transformed her recent tragedies, from a breast cancer diagnosis to the sudden death of her mother, into what is now being praised as a legendary stand-up routine.

Trey Parker was once quoted as saying “Either everything is OK to make fun of, or nothing is OK.” While this type of thinking, when done wrong, has gotten some comedians in trouble (see: Gilbert Gottfried, Daniel Tosh), Letterman and Fallon prove that sometimes a belly laugh is the best cure to a shitty day.

29
Oct
12

5 Horrible Things To Do During Hurricane Sandy

Figured I’d make a tasteless blog post while we still have power. Enjoy.

  1. Knock on your neighbor’s door and sarcastically ask if they need any help. Then laugh like a maniac as you turn around and disappear into the storm.
  2. After the power goes out, shine a flashlight on yourself as you do the helicopter with your penis.
  3. Eat all available rations and demand a ride to the hospital because of a severe tummy ache.
  4. Make shitty comparisons of your current situation to The Walking Dead.
  5. Complain that you can’t view any of your friends’ Halloween costumes on Instagram.
10
Oct
12

You Don’t Know Jack

Today, some friends and I made a trip to Jacks Mountain, about 20 minutes from Lewistown, Pa. The mountain is known by hikers for having 1000 stone steps that snake to the top. Being the consummate blogger that I am, I brought a camera along and snapped some photos.

Obligatory nature photo – check.

OK, screw that. I try to keep this blog humorous or comedy related as much as possible (even if that means being hilariously bad). And it appears that this hike has already been tackled by a fellow WordPresser. So forget the nature crap. Instead, here are some Jacks Mountain related jokes I thought of while marching up a thousand damn steps:

  • Q: If Jack and Jill went up the hill together, then why is it named after Jack? A: Because he’s a man.
  • All steps and no play makes Jacks Mountain a dull hike.
  • You don’t know Jacks Mountain!

It’s fascinating what a little strenuous activity combined with dehydration can do to your mind. But I’m all out of jokes so here’s the rest of the pics:

Cool guys doing cool things.

And lastly, some tasteful graffiti for all you city folk.

09
Oct
12

Why I Shampoo My Butthole

I recently read an interesting story by Slate columnist Farhad Manjoo. He makes an entertaining yet sound argument against “internet pagination,” or the act of cutting lengthy online articles into separate pages to increase page views for advertisers. Manjoo’s piece, along with his related story about the uselessness of double spacing after a period, lean heavily towards the rights of the internet user. Crusaders like him are fighting for internet rights all the way down to the space bar. But after some thought, I realized his stories uncovered an even darker truth about the creators of web content.

The internet is run by silly kitty cats. Everyone knows that.

See, after reading Manjoo’s articles, my first instinct was to go on my blog and see if two spaces after a period really makes a difference (it kind of does). My initial reaction was to make my own material better and easier to use in the hope of attracting more readers. Which is really quite pathetic.

Manjoo elaborates on his name’s silliness.

Manjoo gets paid for what he does, and he has followers who frequently read his material. So it would make sense for him to advocate usability. After all, he wants to keep his readers happy. Yet the plight of the blogger is a different story. I have no fan base, and my followers aren’t devastated if they miss my most recent post. They don’t give a shit – they are too busy trying to push their own material. The odds of an amateur blogger like myself getting my work noticed on the level of a Slate columnist is nil.

So we resort to petty schemes to get our work noticed. Big HD pictures, minimal text, and crazy headlines (which explains the title of this piece) are useful tactics for gaining page views.  But beyond that, a blog is just a blog. People don’t come here for earth shifting ideas or important news. They skim through WordPress Reader looking for neat pictures, and bypass any post with more than 50 characters (I’m fortunate if any reader has made it this far into my story: if so, click this link).

So congratulations, Manjoo. Not only are you funny and smart and successful, but you have followers who actually read your entire articles, making your war on pagination completely justified and my jealous ranting a bit more childish.

01
Oct
12

Seinfeld and Friends Go for Coffee

It’s fascinating for ordinary folk like me to see celebrities just being celebrities. But that’s exactly what you get with Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, Jerry Seinfeld’s new web series that’s not so much about his vast collection of vintage cars or afternoon trips to big city diners, but more in the vein of what made his namesake series, Seinfeld, famous: anything and everything.

Moments of stubbornness involving Larry David were inevitable.

With Comedians, we get a personal look at Hollywood’s most revered comedic figures doing what they do best –  talking, thinking, dissecting, worrying, ranting, complaining, laughing. Seinfeld achieves with this web series what him and former collaborator Larry David originally had in mind for their massively successful 90’s sitcom. We see comedians outside the limelight and in real life. We witness them ponder and construct life into a joke, and we get to marvel at how incredibly quick witted these minds are.

I enjoy Comedians for exactly that reason.  It lacks the rehearsed scriptedness of an ordinary TV interview.  It’s loose, fast and unrestrained, the very atmosphere a comedian thrives in.  We get a glimpse at famous funny people doing something we rarely see: simply bullshitting.  And as much as we’d like to believe that a standup routine is a glimpse into a comedian’s soul (think Richard Pryor, Louis C.K.), Comedians presents something even more honest – living life and figuring out how to make it funny.

The only show I can compare Seinfeld’s new series to in terms of realness is Fishing with John, the long, lost “fishing” show hosted by actor John Lurie.  In each episode, John takes a celebrity friend fishing in an exotic location.  Devoid of any knowledge of how to fish (or host a television show), the episodes typically digressed into what Comedians aims to achieve – unique, honest conversations between talented people.  So honest, in fact, that awkward silences and ridiculous moments were not uncommon (see Tom Waits put a fish down his pants or Matt Dillon and Lurie dance for a good 5 minutes).

Interestingly, this is an ordinary occurrence on Fishing with John.

Overall, I think that Comedians gives it’s viewers a fresh and rare look that only someone of Jerry Seinfeld’s stature could provide.  With loads cash and Hollywood connections, Seinfeld is surely not doing this for the next great hit.  He is revisiting the idea that served as the genesis of his sitcom more than 20 years ago – that a comedian doesn’t stop working when they leave the stage.  Rather, their job has just begun.

26
Sep
12

What it means to be “weird”

I watched TV recently and came across something strange.  Within the span of a 5 minute commercial break, I saw or heard the word “weird” three times.

Oddly enough, none of it involved Honey Boo Boo.

You, faithful reader, may be wondering what kind of significance the word weird holds within this context, but I must first introduce the culprits.  On MTV I saw a promo for a marathon of “True Life” that promised viewers the weirdest, most shocking moments of the series (though I couldn’t find the actual promo, this casting call basically sums it up).  Next was a Bud Light commercial stating that a superstition is only weird if it doesn’t work.  And lastly was a commercial for Apple’s new line of EarPods, which boldly proclaims “Ears are weird.

Being bombarded by so many weird things in one little commercial break frightened me.  “What exactly does it mean to be ‘weird?'” I thought to myself.  “Am I ‘weird’ for not knowing what it is?!?”

Which is the exact reaction these advertisers wanted from me.  These commercials set out to segment their audience: those identifying with the advertisers are cool and “in-the-know,” while everyone else is weird.  This is classic social conformity.  Think about it: viewers of the Apple commercial are surely thinking “You’re right, ears are weird.  Good thing I bought this new Apple product to fix that problem!”

“And good thing I dropped $500 on a bastardized laptop!”

But I don’t own any Apple products, I’m not that into the NFL, and I’d rather castrate myself with a rusty butter knife than ogle at the freaks on MTV’s various programs.  So does that make me weird?

I’m also the pioneer of Extreme Lawn Care. Does that make me weird, or just gnarly?

I equate this theory to a run-in I had last week at a coffee shop in Pittsburgh.  The barista scoffed at me when I inquired about the taste of a particular coffee brew.  She acted as if I could never possibly be as knowledgeable or trendy as her because I had never heard of some shitty type of coffee that no one drinks anyway.  Nevermind the fact that I drink coffee everyday, my lame Nike Shox and stupid haircut and absence of coffee insight would forever prevent me from being on her level.  Which is basically how these commercials made me feel – not cool or included, just a weirdo.

The point I’m trying to make here is that people today are increasingly identifying themselves by the shit they buy.  It’s no longer acceptable to buy a coffee for its caffeine or own a cellphone that simply makes calls.  The consumer culture theory is more alive and well in 2012 than it has ever been – just look at all those Apple-cult assholes or coffee shop snobs.  Consumers make a statement with every purchase they make, and judging by these commercials, everyone is watching.

So what lesson did I take away from my 5 minute television experience?  Either buy the right things, or forever be weird.

… or learn to enjoy television without experiencing the episodes of delusional paranoia that blog writers like myself suffer from. That works too.




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