Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

16
Oct
12

The New (And Better) Justin Bieber

If Youtube made Justin Bieber famous, then why not these kids??

Rock and roll looks increasingly dead in 2012, just look at the Billboard charts. But perhaps these kids will bring it back some day. So keep on rockin!

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11
Oct
12

Here Comes The Bleh

Here Comes The Boom, the school teacher turned MMA fighter flick starring Kevin James, hits theaters tomorrow. After reading reviews and starring blankly at the trailer for 2 and a half minutes, I realized the question here is not if America is ready for such a movie, but if America even needs such a movie?

The answer is no, definitely not.

Sure, Here Comes The Boom looks like a pleasant little film. Director Frank Coraci looks to take on the serious issue of under funding in American public schools in a light-hearted manner. But if there is one thing I know, it’s what makes a movie suck. And I don’t have to see this movie to know it’s packed full of it.

Boom’s title is vaguely similar to “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” which is one strike against it already.

The first thing I noticed about Boom’s trailer was how incredibly toned and muscular star Kevin James has become. The lead-actor-undergoing-a-huge-physical-transformation-for-their-role tactic is an old Hollywood trick used to garner buzz (Charlize Theron in Monster, Christian Bale in The Machinist, etc.). Perhaps the filmmakers wanted viewers to be amazed by James’ transformation from portly actor to ripped UFC fighter (when, in reality, James was an avid wrestler in college and has practiced karate since he was young).

Then there’s the problem with Boom’s plot. This is certainly not the first let’s hatch a zany plot to save and inspire our school movie ever made, and not even the first to come out in the past month. Won’t Back Down, a film portraying two mothers’ attempts at rescuing a failing inner city school, itself failed spectacularly at the box office. So spectacularly, in fact, that it had the worst opening weekend for any film playing on over 2,500 theaters. Basically, if Won’t Back Down’s creators tried to do in reality what their fictional characters did, children across America would be standing naked and hungry in the street, with horse flies nibbling at their faces.

Here’s a visual depiction of that previous sentence, minus the nudity and horse flies.

But perhaps Boom will fare better. It does, of course, feature Kevin James getting injured in all sorts of whacky situations. But none of this can save the movie because James’ career is already over. Judging by his latest string of films, the actor is officially suffering from Rob Schneider Syndrome, the endless Hollywood mire of being typecast as a whacky, prat-falling actor. Look at what South Park’s legendary “Derp de derp” video did to Schneider’s career. And South Park’s season 15 jab at Zookeeper likely served as the death knell for James’ career as well.

Kevin James, this is what you have to look forward to.

27
Sep
12

7 lists that will change your life forever

As I’ve stated before, the internet loves lists.  So here you go, dammit – thank me later.

6 Bad Dubstep Artist Names

  1. Gertrude Sangria and the Mixers
  2. The Lazy Susans
  3. Average Penis and the Hot Beef Injections
  4. The Robotic Jelly Applicators
  5. Electric Headache
  6. Ole Lumpy and the Digital Brain Freeze

5 Worst Situations to Sneeze In

  1. While whispering “I love you” into your spouse’s ear
  2. While holding a hot cup of coffee
  3. When delivering the keynote address at an anti-sneezing rally
  4. When passing a pack of Seattle’s notorious Whooping Cough gangsters in a dark ally
  5. While driving a truck load of albino, hemophiliac babies to the blood bank on Christmas

6 Songs from the 1960’s Celebrating Freedom

  1. “Chimes of Freedom” – Bob Dylan
  2. “I Feel Free” – Cream
  3. “I’m Free” – The Rolling Stones
  4. “Freedom” – Richie Havens
  5. “Freedom” – Jimi Hendrix
  6. “All Right Now” – Free (Technically the name of the band, but suck it)

5 Ways to Become Blind

  1. Stare into the sun like a dumbass
  2. Stare at satellite photos of the sun’s surface, then gauge your eyes out with a spoon
  3. Drink some tainted moonshine, pee in an African stream, then gauge your eyes out with a spoon
  4. Watch an hour of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
  5. Fuck with Uma Thurman

4 Excuses that always work

  1. “Sorry, I have a church function to attend.”
  2. “I have explosive diarrhea.”
  3. “Tiny spiders laid eggs beneath my eyelids and they could hatch at any moment.”
  4. “I stared into the sun like a dumbass.”

5 Things You Won’t Believe Aren’t Butter (Visual List)

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2 Former NBC Today Show Hosts with eating disorders

  1. Al Roker
  2. Katie Couric



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