Why I Shampoo My Butthole

I recently read an interesting story by Slate columnist Farhad Manjoo. He makes an entertaining yet sound argument against “internet pagination,” or the act of cutting lengthy online articles into separate pages to increase page views for advertisers. Manjoo’s piece, along with his related story about the uselessness of double spacing after a period, lean heavily towards the rights of the internet user. Crusaders like him are fighting for internet rights all the way down to the space bar. But after some thought, I realized his stories uncovered an even darker truth about the creators of web content.

The internet is run by silly kitty cats. Everyone knows that.

See, after reading Manjoo’s articles, my first instinct was to go on my blog and see if two spaces after a period really makes a difference (it kind of does). My initial reaction was to make my own material better and easier to use in the hope of attracting more readers. Which is really quite pathetic.

Manjoo elaborates on his name’s silliness.

Manjoo gets paid for what he does, and he has followers who frequently read his material. So it would make sense for him to advocate usability. After all, he wants to keep his readers happy. Yet the plight of the blogger is a different story. I have no fan base, and my followers aren’t devastated if they miss my most recent post. They don’t give a shit – they are too busy trying to push their own material. The odds of an amateur blogger like myself getting my work noticed on the level of a Slate columnist is nil.

So we resort to petty schemes to get our work noticed. Big HD pictures, minimal text, and crazy headlines (which explains the title of this piece) are useful tactics for gaining page views.  But beyond that, a blog is just a blog. People don’t come here for earth shifting ideas or important news. They skim through WordPress Reader looking for neat pictures, and bypass any post with more than 50 characters (I’m fortunate if any reader has made it this far into my story: if so, click this link).

So congratulations, Manjoo. Not only are you funny and smart and successful, but you have followers who actually read your entire articles, making your war on pagination completely justified and my jealous ranting a bit more childish.

Great product ideas

I’m guessing there aren’t too many wealthy entrepreneurs with tons of start-up money reading my blog.  But if there is, my roomate and I came up with some new product ideas – just send me $1000 in cash and the ideas are yours.

Ok.  Who’s sick of seeing bumper stickers like this:

I know I am.  So how about a bumper sticker for the pessimist!  Introducing “I Don’t Heart Bumper Stickers.”

And how about a house warming gift that could liven up any back porch or patio.  The new “Wind Chime Kazoo!”

I know these ideas suck. Fuck you.