Posts Tagged ‘technology


I Love The New iPhone 5!

Yesterday I bought the Apple iPhone 5, and I must say, it’s amazing!!!

Just kidding. I still use an LG Dare.

But I really did play around with the latest iPhone recently and my life has taken a drastic turn for the worse. “Wait,” I thought to myself. “I can now watch the latest episode of the Colbert Report anywhere I go? Can life get any better?!?”

Yes, it can. If Steve Jobs’ goal was to make the world faster and easier through technology, then he failed miserably. Because when a guy like me finally decides to buy a portable Apple device, the decision itself could never be more complicated. Should I buy an iPhone, iPad, or iPod? Should I buy the newest iPhone, or settle for an older version? If I got an iPod, how many gigs of storage should I choose? I like to a type on a keyboard, so why should I even buy an iPad? Should I just kill myself right now??

“Apple iLiver: The only organ that keeps you alive long enough to buy more Apple products.”

A lot of this confusion is Apple’s own fault. They un-enthusiastically introduced a new line of iPads last week, which are a whopping 2 inches smaller than the original (this was hilariously mocked last night on Conan). Yet the announcement of this same-yet-smaller iPad still somehow created a media frenzy.

Hey, Apple. I have an idea. How about you skip the bullshit and actually unveil something worth getting excited about. You know, maybe something like one device that has the capabilities of the iPhone, iPad and iPod combined? I thought we were supposed to make life more convenient here. And while you’re at it, create some damn apps that are actually useful in real life (such as Fap App, the only app that warns you when your roommates are masturbating. Don’t ask how I thought of it).

To reiterate, I really would enjoy owning an iPhone 5. It’s just all the needless bullshit surrounding Apple I can’t stand. I mean, I can’t go onto a news site without seeing articles about the new iChair, or without hearing reviews from burnt out tech pundits who cover Apple’s every move more closely than the president’s (watch this tech writer analyze the new iPad like a zombie). Technology is cool, but too much of it is not.

The new iPhones are pretty cool, too. My more generous readers are urged to send me one in the mail.



change? got any change??

An interesting phenomenon occurred the other day at my local Sheetz gas station.

No, gas prices aren't falling.

During the course of my day I occasionally forget to eat food.  Hunger pangs kicked in around 1:30 a.m., so I headed over to Sheetz to buy a pre-made sandwich.  As I was paying at the counter, I noticed something peculiar about the penny tray – someone had left a lot of change in it.  And I’m talking more than just pennies: there was at least a dollar’s worth of quarters, nickels and dimes.  So I took it.  All of it.

Now here’s the interesting part.  It’s not like I took the money because I was short on change for my purchase.  I took it, you know, just to keep.  But then the lady at the counter saw me and gave me a look of disgust.  She furrowed her brow, confused and horrified.  She actually gave me a shitty look because I took free money.

This situation was fascinating to me for several reasons.  First, how do you become appalled at someone for taking free money?  It’s free, dammit!  And secondly, what kind of society are we living in where a handful of change is virtually worthless?  I can understand a bunch of pennies.  Pennies suck.  They are a nuisance and they can’t buy you shit – that’s why the penny tray is there.  But there was so much change in that tray.  The person who left it could have bought a sizable candy bar.

...or perhaps a stylish mustache.

I read today that Canada will stop minting pennies by the end of this year.  Could it be that in this age of electronic commerce and online banking people have forgotten the worth of physical currency?  Hell, I use my debit card so often my change jar has been dry for years.  And will kids growing up today even know the purpose of pennies, nickels and quarters?  Maybe the person who left that change was some punk kid who didn’t want loose metal scraps scuffing up his iPhone.

"They used to be made of silver, I tells ya. Silver!"

So until every pop machine and parking meter on the planet can connect to my Paypal account, I’ll always be holding onto spare change – or at least until I figure out how to hack into my apartment’s washer and dryer for free.

The devil itself.


In response to NPR’s online privacy article

I feel like everything I just read is a bunch of nonsense (then again, I’m barely literate).  At its current stage, the “Consumer Privacy Bill of Rights” is only voluntary.  I doubt any internet company would “voluntarily” join a pact that could more than likely put a dent in their revenue.  Online companies won’t start handling user information responsibly until legislation is passed enforcing them to.

The urge to post some Rockwell was too strong!

I recently saw a segment on the Colbert Report about how closely Target monitors customer information.  Colbert explained that Target uses data analysis to review what women buy from their stores and then predict, many times correctly, that those women are pregnant.    Target then chooses online ads appropriate for expecting women, displaying things such as strollers, vitamin supplements, baby clothes, etc.  Many people are understandably shocked by Target’s insane scrutiny of its customers’ information, but I ask why???

How many times have you aimlessly browsed Walmart or Amazon only to get pissed off because you can’t decide what to buy?  With the way technology is evolving, those days are over – stores like Target will review your personal info and make those decisions for you.  And there are some instances where this kind of scrutiny would come in handy.  Take the pregnant woman story as an example.  If my significant other was pregnant, I’d have no damn clue what to buy her – it’s not like they give you instructions for these types of things!  That’s why Target’s customized ad spots would be there to guide me down the right purchasing path.

"Hmmm. Yellow stuff or green stuff?.... Fuck."

I think the liberal use of customer information could really become a good thing for both corporations and consumers.  I honestly lay awake at night hoping for the day when I can bump my head and, minutes later, my trustly friends from Walgreens will have Tylenol delivered straight to my door.  That would be the sweet life.

So I say let them monitor my online activity!  I’ll gladly surrender some personal privacy in exchange for less hassle in my everyday life.  And I commend any company brave enough to follow my online activity – that has got to be a disturbing job.

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