Posts Tagged ‘thoughts

16
Oct
12

The New (And Better) Justin Bieber

If Youtube made Justin Bieber famous, then why not these kids??

Rock and roll looks increasingly dead in 2012, just look at the Billboard charts. But perhaps these kids will bring it back some day. So keep on rockin!

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10
Oct
12

You Don’t Know Jack

Today, some friends and I made a trip to Jacks Mountain, about 20 minutes from Lewistown, Pa. The mountain is known by hikers for having 1000 stone steps that snake to the top. Being the consummate blogger that I am, I brought a camera along and snapped some photos.

Obligatory nature photo – check.

OK, screw that. I try to keep this blog humorous or comedy related as much as possible (even if that means being hilariously bad). And it appears that this hike has already been tackled by a fellow WordPresser. So forget the nature crap. Instead, here are some Jacks Mountain related jokes I thought of while marching up a thousand damn steps:

  • Q: If Jack and Jill went up the hill together, then why is it named after Jack? A: Because he’s a man.
  • All steps and no play makes Jacks Mountain a dull hike.
  • You don’t know Jacks Mountain!

It’s fascinating what a little strenuous activity combined with dehydration can do to your mind. But I’m all out of jokes so here’s the rest of the pics:

Cool guys doing cool things.

And lastly, some tasteful graffiti for all you city folk.

09
Oct
12

Why I Shampoo My Butthole

I recently read an interesting story by Slate columnist Farhad Manjoo. He makes an entertaining yet sound argument against “internet pagination,” or the act of cutting lengthy online articles into separate pages to increase page views for advertisers. Manjoo’s piece, along with his related story about the uselessness of double spacing after a period, lean heavily towards the rights of the internet user. Crusaders like him are fighting for internet rights all the way down to the space bar. But after some thought, I realized his stories uncovered an even darker truth about the creators of web content.

The internet is run by silly kitty cats. Everyone knows that.

See, after reading Manjoo’s articles, my first instinct was to go on my blog and see if two spaces after a period really makes a difference (it kind of does). My initial reaction was to make my own material better and easier to use in the hope of attracting more readers. Which is really quite pathetic.

Manjoo elaborates on his name’s silliness.

Manjoo gets paid for what he does, and he has followers who frequently read his material. So it would make sense for him to advocate usability. After all, he wants to keep his readers happy. Yet the plight of the blogger is a different story. I have no fan base, and my followers aren’t devastated if they miss my most recent post. They don’t give a shit – they are too busy trying to push their own material. The odds of an amateur blogger like myself getting my work noticed on the level of a Slate columnist is nil.

So we resort to petty schemes to get our work noticed. Big HD pictures, minimal text, and crazy headlines (which explains the title of this piece) are useful tactics for gaining page views.  But beyond that, a blog is just a blog. People don’t come here for earth shifting ideas or important news. They skim through WordPress Reader looking for neat pictures, and bypass any post with more than 50 characters (I’m fortunate if any reader has made it this far into my story: if so, click this link).

So congratulations, Manjoo. Not only are you funny and smart and successful, but you have followers who actually read your entire articles, making your war on pagination completely justified and my jealous ranting a bit more childish.

01
Oct
12

Seinfeld and Friends Go for Coffee

It’s fascinating for ordinary folk like me to see celebrities just being celebrities. But that’s exactly what you get with Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, Jerry Seinfeld’s new web series that’s not so much about his vast collection of vintage cars or afternoon trips to big city diners, but more in the vein of what made his namesake series, Seinfeld, famous: anything and everything.

Moments of stubbornness involving Larry David were inevitable.

With Comedians, we get a personal look at Hollywood’s most revered comedic figures doing what they do best –  talking, thinking, dissecting, worrying, ranting, complaining, laughing. Seinfeld achieves with this web series what him and former collaborator Larry David originally had in mind for their massively successful 90’s sitcom. We see comedians outside the limelight and in real life. We witness them ponder and construct life into a joke, and we get to marvel at how incredibly quick witted these minds are.

I enjoy Comedians for exactly that reason.  It lacks the rehearsed scriptedness of an ordinary TV interview.  It’s loose, fast and unrestrained, the very atmosphere a comedian thrives in.  We get a glimpse at famous funny people doing something we rarely see: simply bullshitting.  And as much as we’d like to believe that a standup routine is a glimpse into a comedian’s soul (think Richard Pryor, Louis C.K.), Comedians presents something even more honest – living life and figuring out how to make it funny.

The only show I can compare Seinfeld’s new series to in terms of realness is Fishing with John, the long, lost “fishing” show hosted by actor John Lurie.  In each episode, John takes a celebrity friend fishing in an exotic location.  Devoid of any knowledge of how to fish (or host a television show), the episodes typically digressed into what Comedians aims to achieve – unique, honest conversations between talented people.  So honest, in fact, that awkward silences and ridiculous moments were not uncommon (see Tom Waits put a fish down his pants or Matt Dillon and Lurie dance for a good 5 minutes).

Interestingly, this is an ordinary occurrence on Fishing with John.

Overall, I think that Comedians gives it’s viewers a fresh and rare look that only someone of Jerry Seinfeld’s stature could provide.  With loads cash and Hollywood connections, Seinfeld is surely not doing this for the next great hit.  He is revisiting the idea that served as the genesis of his sitcom more than 20 years ago – that a comedian doesn’t stop working when they leave the stage.  Rather, their job has just begun.

27
Sep
12

7 lists that will change your life forever

As I’ve stated before, the internet loves lists.  So here you go, dammit – thank me later.

6 Bad Dubstep Artist Names

  1. Gertrude Sangria and the Mixers
  2. The Lazy Susans
  3. Average Penis and the Hot Beef Injections
  4. The Robotic Jelly Applicators
  5. Electric Headache
  6. Ole Lumpy and the Digital Brain Freeze

5 Worst Situations to Sneeze In

  1. While whispering “I love you” into your spouse’s ear
  2. While holding a hot cup of coffee
  3. When delivering the keynote address at an anti-sneezing rally
  4. When passing a pack of Seattle’s notorious Whooping Cough gangsters in a dark ally
  5. While driving a truck load of albino, hemophiliac babies to the blood bank on Christmas

6 Songs from the 1960’s Celebrating Freedom

  1. “Chimes of Freedom” – Bob Dylan
  2. “I Feel Free” – Cream
  3. “I’m Free” – The Rolling Stones
  4. “Freedom” – Richie Havens
  5. “Freedom” – Jimi Hendrix
  6. “All Right Now” – Free (Technically the name of the band, but suck it)

5 Ways to Become Blind

  1. Stare into the sun like a dumbass
  2. Stare at satellite photos of the sun’s surface, then gauge your eyes out with a spoon
  3. Drink some tainted moonshine, pee in an African stream, then gauge your eyes out with a spoon
  4. Watch an hour of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
  5. Fuck with Uma Thurman

4 Excuses that always work

  1. “Sorry, I have a church function to attend.”
  2. “I have explosive diarrhea.”
  3. “Tiny spiders laid eggs beneath my eyelids and they could hatch at any moment.”
  4. “I stared into the sun like a dumbass.”

5 Things You Won’t Believe Aren’t Butter (Visual List)

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

2 Former NBC Today Show Hosts with eating disorders

  1. Al Roker
  2. Katie Couric
19
Apr
12

Great product ideas

I’m guessing there aren’t too many wealthy entrepreneurs with tons of start-up money reading my blog.  But if there is, my roomate and I came up with some new product ideas – just send me $1000 in cash and the ideas are yours.

Ok.  Who’s sick of seeing bumper stickers like this:

I know I am.  So how about a bumper sticker for the pessimist!  Introducing “I Don’t Heart Bumper Stickers.”

And how about a house warming gift that could liven up any back porch or patio.  The new “Wind Chime Kazoo!”

I know these ideas suck. Fuck you.

19
Apr
12

Ten things to do (instead of reading my blog)

Lists are a pretty big hit on the internet these days.  So big, in fact, that the NY Times recapped last year’s top ten best top ten lists.  So I figured I’d try my hand at one.  Here are ten wholesome activities that are likely more rewarding than reading this blog:

  1. Spend time with loved ones.
  2. Iron tomorrow’s wardrobe.
  3. Pay attention to your pets.
  4. File losses on your late tax return.
  5. Hide your unlicensed handgun in a safe place, far concealed from where the authorities will find it.
  6. Finally break the news to your long-time fiance that you’re gay.
  7. Inform your neighbors that those loud, banging noises coming from your apartment last night was merely you masturbating.
  8. Warn your children that you can punch really, really hard.
  9. Use the internet to track down someone whose facial features closely resemble yours.  Pay this person to regularly visit your ailing grandparents.
  10. Put a picture of you making love to the mailman’s wife in your mailbox.
  11. Pollute your own shitty blog with pointless lists.



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